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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22920697">a million ways (to say i love you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vincerets/pseuds/vincerets'>vincerets</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Deaf Character, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:48:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22920697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vincerets/pseuds/vincerets</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>it takes seven days for callum to convince ben to go to the hospital for his hearing loss. and when he does, they both have to learn to live with their new normal.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>191</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a million ways (to say i love you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum’s only been out of hospital for four days when he finds himself back again. But this time he’s not here for himself. No, this time he’s here for Ben.</p><p>It hadn’t taken him long when he’d woken up in the hospital to see that something was wrong with Ben. He’d called his name half a dozen times and hadn’t gotten a response from him, and when he reached over to touch his hand, Ben had flinched like he was terrified. Callum had pulled his hand away like he’d been burned but then Ben was leaping to his feet and fussing over him and asking if he was alright.</p><p>Callum had let him fuss and watched him struggle to keep it together for about seven minutes before Ben had broken down and told him everything. He couldn’t <em>hear. </em>He hadn’t been able to hear for near enough two days now and he was scared. Callum had just shifted over on the bed and let Ben lay next to him, his hand resting over his heart so that he could feel it beating under him. If he couldn’t hear it, feeling it would be the next best thing.</p><p>They’d fallen asleep like that.</p><p>Ben had spent the next week insisting that he would be alright. That his hearing would come back at some point, but Callum could tell he was struggling. Whenever he had a visitor, Ben would completely close himself off and pretend he was busy. Callum had lost count of the amount of tea that Ben had brought back for him as an excuse to leave the room, only for it to go cold when it was inevitably forgotten.</p><p>Callum was allowed to go home on the third day once the doctors had given him the all clear. They’d given him enough painkillers that Callum had joked that he’d be able to open his own pharmacy. He hadn’t let up on his insistence that Ben go to the hospital, though. If anything, now that they were away from the hospital, he’d only become more adamant.</p><p>“It’s a head injury, Ben. Even I know that that’s serious,” Callum had said. He made sure to look at Ben when he was speaking and made a conscious effort to talk a little more slowly than usual so his boyfriend could read his lips. “We’re going to the hospital.”</p><p>“I don’t need to go to hospital, Callum! I’m fine.”</p><p>Callum had sighed and closed the distance between them, hands coming up to cup Ben’s cheeks. “Please,” he had whispered, resting their foreheads together for a second before he leaned back to speak again. “For me?”</p><p>“You’re lucky you’re cute,” Ben had bit back, conceding.</p><p>Jay had driven them up to the hospital early the next morning, and Callum had promised to let him know how things went when they were finished.  </p><p>“Callum-” Ben starts, stopping in his tracks just before the entrance to the hospital. He’s scared, Callum can tell. “Callum, I don’t know if I can do this.”</p><p>“Hey. Hey, Ben, it’s okay.” Callum drops his hands and cups Ben’s cheeks instead, making sure that he doesn’t miss any of what he’s saying because he <em>needs </em>Ben to hear this. “Whatever happens in there, whatever the result is or isn’t, you’ll still have me. No matter what, you’ll always have me. And we’ll get through this together.”</p><p>Ben doesn’t say anything in response, but some of the tension has gone from his shoulders and Callum’s words, even if he can’t hear them, make him feel warm and good. He takes his hand once more and laces their fingers together before walking through the doors.</p><p>Callum stays by his side the entire time he’s signing in. He gives the receptionist his name and tries to read her lips when she asks for more information about his injury, but she’s mumbling and speaking too fast and he can feel the frustration coiling in his gut. He’s saved from having to try and decode her words when Callum steps up and fills her in for him.</p><p>“I told you,” Callum hums when she tells them to take a seat and they step out of the way so she can help the next person. “You don’t have to do this alone.”</p><p>Ben smiles at him and drags Callum over to two empty seats in the back corner of the room. The news is playing on a television hung in the corner of the room, the subtitles slightly out of sync. They’re at least a sentence behind and Callum shouldn’t find that as frustrating as he does. He forces himself to look at something else, <em>anything </em>else.</p><p>It doesn’t take long for someone to call out his name. Ben doesn’t move at first, obviously not having heard them, but he gets up when Callum bumps their shoulders together and starts to get to his feet. Absently, Callum wonders what would have happened if Ben were here alone. Would he have waited for hours only to be told that his name had been called and he’d missed it despite not being able to hear it?</p><p>They walk down the hall hand-in-hand, past several closed doors until the nurse escorting them stops and gestures for them to enter. Callum thanks her and holds the door for Ben, letting it click shut gently behind them.</p><p>“Ah, Mr. Mitchell I assume?” a soft voice asks, slow and deliberate enough that they can both tell she’s doing it for Ben’s sake. Callum likes her already. The woman turns to him. “And you are?”</p><p>“Oh, I’m Callum. Callum Highway.” He reaches across to shake her hand before slipping into the chair next to Ben who immediately reaches for his hand and grips it again. “I’m Ben’s boyfriend. I’m just here for support really.”</p><p>The doctor looks between them, her eyes eventually settling on their hands before she nods to herself and swivels around to face them in her chair. If she notices the way Ben’s gripping onto him like he’s the only thing keeping him grounded, she doesn’t comment on it.</p><p>“My name’s doctor Helena Layman. The nurse told me you were in for a head injury which has affected your hearing, is that right?”</p><p>Ben just nods.</p><p>“Why don’t you tell me a bit about what happened and when this all started?” she prompts.</p><p>Ben bites at his bottom lip nervously, reluctant to speak until Callum squeezes his hand. It’s a small gesture, but it pulls Ben out of his head and he’s grateful for it. “Fell overboard and into the Thames, didn’t I? Managed to smack my head somehow and that’s most of what I remember. Haven’t been able to hear properly since.”  </p><p>“Forgive me for asking, is this from the same boat party accident last week?” At his confirmation, Helena nods and types a few things into the computer before turning back to face them so Ben can read her lips again. “And you didn’t talk to any of the paramedics at the scene? This is the first time you’ve sought medical help for this?”</p><p>Ben seems to bristle at that question, shoulders tensing like he’s ready to snap back a remark at her. “Yeah, that was my fault-” Callum cuts in, thumb rubbing small circles into the back of Ben’s hand to keep him calm. “I’d been in a bit of bother myself, see. Managed to fall down some stairs whilst I was working and broke a couple of my ribs. Almost caught hypothermia too, so he’s been too busy worrying about me to bother looking after himself.”</p><p>She seems to buy it, which is enough for Callum, and after double checking that he himself had received medical attention, she shifts her focus back to Ben. “We’re going to have to run some tests, Mr. Mitchell. We’ll have to assess the extent of the damage before we can draw any concrete conclusions so I’m going to get you scheduled for an emergency MRI and a CT scan in the next few hours so we can rule out any brain damage. The rest of the tests I can carry out here, they’ll all be non-invasive so try not to worry about that.”</p><p>Ben’s already worrying, Callum can tell. There’s a crease in his forehead formed from both his concentration in reading her lips, and the worry her words are causing.</p><p>“The whole process shouldn’t last more than a few hours.” She turns away, giving them a minute to process as she types on her computer.</p><p>Neither of them say anything, but they don’t need to. When Ben turns his head to look at Callum, his boyfriend’s already looking at him. Callum gives him a look that says <em>you’re okay, everything’s going to be okay </em>and squeezes his hand as if to say <em>I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.</em></p><p>Ben smiles back at him, exhaling a shaky breath. He’s scared, and he hates that. He should be stronger than this. He should be the one being strong for Callum. Callum who’d just spent four days trapped in a warehouse by himself. Callum who still had broken ribs. Callum who, underneath his sweater, was covered in bruises and cuts that never should have been there in the first place.</p><p><em>I love you, </em>Ben mouths at him, which makes Callum beam and lean forward like he wants to kiss him before he remembers where they are. He’d said it at least a dozen times since he’d manged to get Callum back. It was like a dam that had finally broken. Once he’d said it the first time, he couldn’t stop saying it. And if the way Callum’s whole face lit up whenever he heard Ben say it was anything to go by, he didn’t mind hearing it either.</p><p>“Mr. Highway-” Helena interrupts, looking a little guilty for breaking up their moment. “I’m going to have to ask you to wait in the waiting room whilst we perform the tests. Or if you want to come back in a few hours I’m sure we’ll be finished by midday.”</p><p>Callum looks to Ben, arching an eyebrow as if to say <em>are you alright with this? </em>Because if he isn’t, Callum won’t leave him. And they both know that. If Ben wants him to stay, then he’ll insist on staying.</p><p>But Ben smiles back and nods his head. <em>I’ll be fine, </em>he’s saying. And Callum knows he will. It might take some time, but he will.</p><p>“I’ll just be outside if you need me, alright?” he says as he pushes the chair back and gets to his feet. Before he goes, he leans down and kisses Ben’s forehead. “I love you too, by the way.”</p><p>Ben watches him walk to the door and only looks away once it’s shut behind him and Callum has gone. He starts to panic a little but tries to remind himself that Callum is still here. He’s just outside, he isn’t going anywhere, and that eases his racing heart. With Callum by his side, he thinks maybe everything might be alright.</p><p>Helena waits until Ben’s attention is back on her before she speaks again. “Alright, Mr. Mitchell-”</p><p>“Ben,” he insists, holding a hand up to cut her off. “Mr. Mitchell is my father. And trust me, neither of us want me to be him.”</p><p>She laughs unexpectedly, startling both herself and Ben. “Alright then, <em>Ben,</em>” she puts purposeful emphasis on Ben’s name and even if he can’t hear it, by the way he’s smirking back at her she knows that he gets it. “Let’s get started then, shall we?”</p><p>-</p><p>Ben’s exhausted by the time he gets back to the waiting room. Callum’s still sitting in the same corner they were sat in this morning, but there’s a growing number of coffee cups gathering around him that has Ben almost fearing for his health. He can tell Callum’s nervous. He’s bouncing his leg and wringing his hands together in the way he knows isn’t because of the coffee.</p><p>“Are you planning on getting any sleep tonight?” Ben teases when he slips back into the seat next to him, gesturing at the coffee cups stacked by his feet.</p><p>Callum’s whipping around to face him fast enough that Ben starts to worry for his ribs, and if the pained look that he tries to hide is anything to go by, his worry was justified.</p><p>“Have they said anything? What’s going on? Did they say when you’ll be able to hear properly again? Do you need anything?” Callum babbles once he’s caught his breath. He forces himself to slow down when Ben just stares at him. “Right. Sorry. Too fast. Are you alright?”</p><p>“As alright as can be expected considering I can’t hear anything.” Ben grabs the coffee cup that’s balanced precariously on the arm of the seat and takes a sip, almost gagging when the mouthful he swallows is stone cold.</p><p>Callum plucks the cup from between Ben’s fingers and stacks it on top of one of the others before carrying them to the bin. Most of them were still full and by the time he’d remembered them, they were long-since cold. He returns a few minutes later, a fresh cup of coffee in his hands which he passes to Ben.</p><p>“You are too good for me,” Ben hums, popping the plastic lid off and pouring in two of the little sugar packets that Callum had brought back for him. “What did I ever do to deserve you, hm?”</p><p>“Who knows? Maybe you were good in a past life.”</p><p>That makes Ben laugh a little too loud considering that they’re in a hospital waiting room, but Callum would happily be glared at by every single person in the room if it meant making Ben smile like that. He rests his hand palm-up on Ben’s leg and watches as he fiddles with the lid of his coffee again. He tries, struggles, and eventually gives up and mumbles obscenities at the lid. Callum just rolls his eyes and secures it back on for him before returning his hand to its original position.</p><p>“Show off,” Ben huffs, but he reaches his free hand down and laces their fingers together anyway.</p><p>They sit in silence for a while, content to just hold each other’s hand. Eventually, though, as the time passes on, Callum can tell that Ben’s starting to feel anxious again. His hand starts to shake a little and he’s much more restless than he was when he sat down an hour ago.</p><p>“Jay called when you were in there,” Callum says, squeezing Ben’s hand before he speaks to get his attention. “I got glared at by the receptionist for having my phone on, but he wanted me to let you know that Lexi got to school alright. And that you should expect a lot of pictures when we get home. Lola swears she smuggled a pot of glitter in to school in her bookbag.”</p><p>That makes Ben smile again. Any mention of Lexi usually does.</p><p>Callum doesn’t say anything else. Ben turns his head away, which he assumes is his way of trying to end the conversation. Instead, he brings their joined hands up to his lips and kisses Ben’s knuckles. <em>We’ll be alright, </em>the gesture says, <em>whatever happens.</em></p><p>Ben doesn’t look at Callum, just leans into his side and lets his head rest on the man’s shoulder. He feels Callum drop a kiss to his head before his boyfriend’s resting his own against the top of his head. It’s comforting, in a way. Feeling the weight of Callum next to him, their hands still linked together and resting on his lap. He closes his eyes and lets himself block out the rest of the world, content to just let himself get lost in his <em>Callum.</em></p><p>-</p><p>When Ben opens his eyes again, it’s to someone gently shaking him awake. He opens his eyes slowly, squinting at the harsh hospital lights. He can see Callum saying something, but his brain hasn’t quite caught up with his eyes yet, so he just stares back, confused. He watches Callum dig around in his pocket for a second before pulling out his phone and typing something. For a second, Ben’s worried something’s happened to Lexi, but then Callum’s turning his phone to face him, and, on the screen, it just says <em>doctor’s calling.</em></p><p>Ben nods once and leans up from Callum. His neck is stiff, and he knows he’ll be paying for that later. He takes a minute to let himself wake up and blink the sleep out of his eyes before standing up beside Callum. He’s still pretty sleepy, so he lets his boyfriend curl an arm around his waist and pull him against his side as they walk down the hall together.</p><p>“Hey-” he feels, rather than hears, Callum say just as they reach the door and stop in front of it. “Whatever happens in there, whatever she says or doesn’t say, whatever those tests show… none of it’s going to change how I feel about you, alright? I love you, Ben Mitchell, and I will love you until every star in the sky burns out, and maybe even beyond then if you’re lucky.” He’s speaking slower than he normally would, and Ben knows it’s because Callum is so attentive. He knows he’s still sleepy and he’s making it easier for him to lip read. Ben wonders if it’s possible for him to fall deeper in love with this man than he already is.</p><p>“I must have been really, really good in a past life,” Ben smiles back, tilting his head up and pressing their lips together in a chaste kiss.</p><p>They’re holding hands when they walk in again. And they don’t let go even when they sit across from the doctor.</p><p>“Mr. Highway,” Helena greets, offering him a tight smile that has Callum’s stomach sinking. He’s seen that smile before. Had to watch it in the faces of so many doctors in the army. God, he hopes he’s wrong. <em>Please </em>let him be wrong.</p><p>“Ben,” she adds.</p><p>“Helena,” Ben greets back, because apparently, they’re on a first name basis now.</p><p>“So, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”</p><p>Callum feels Ben’s hand shaking in his own. He holds on tighter.</p><p>“And I’m going to start with the good news because I don’t want either of you to think that this entire situation is bleak.” She stops and takes a breath, aware that she’s talking too fast for Ben to keep up with. “Because you waited so long to seek medical help, I pulled some strings and got the tests rushed through. It still took a few hours though, so I’m sorry about the wait.”</p><p>Callum wants to tell her that it’s fine, he doesn’t care, he just wants to <em>know.</em></p><p>“The good news is that we can’t seem to see any trauma to the brain, nor is there any lasting damage to the skull. So, we can rule out any permanent brain damage.”</p><p>Both Callum and Ben exhale at that. They hadn’t talked much about any lasting damage beyond Ben’s hearing, but it was still a relief to hear it confirmed.</p><p>“So, what’s the bad news?” Ben’s asking, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth again. “Is it that I won’t be able to go back to work anytime soon? Because let me tell you, doc, that doesn’t sound so bad to me.”</p><p>Helena doesn’t laugh. And Callum’s never wanted to drag Ben out of a room mpre in his life. He wants so badly to be able to protect him from what’s coming but he knows he can’t. All he can do is be there to help him rebuild the pieces of his life into a new normal.</p><p>“Ben… before I tell you this, I want you to know that there’s support out there, alright? There are groups you can go to, things you can do to manage this. It doesn’t have to rule your life.”</p><p>Ben’s hands are shaking again now. And neither he nor Callum can get them to stop. “I don’t need to go to any support groups!” he insists, chest rising and falling with each breath that he’s struggling to take. “I just need to <em>know.</em>”</p><p>Helena nods once, steeling herself for what she’s about to say. “We don’t know the extent of the damage to your hearing. At this stage, it’s impossible to tell. As far as we know, it could come back next week, next month, or…” she trails off, swallowing hard. This always was the worst part of the job.</p><p>“Or?” Ben snaps, startling himself when his voice comes out much louder than he expects it to.</p><p>“Or it might never come back. We just don’t know.”</p><p>Ben slumps back in the chair, defeated. Next to him, Callum’s shaking his head.</p><p>“No… no, there has to be <em>something </em>we can do. A way we can try and help him get it back, yeah? That’s why we came here, so <em>you </em>could help him!” Callum’s saying. Ben’s grip on his hand is slack and he’s pale and it makes Callum feel sick. “Please, there has to be something you can do.”</p><p>Helena looks at him with more pity in her eyes than he’s ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr. Highway, I wish there was more we could do, but there isn’t. Right now, it’s just a question of time.”</p><p>“Time?” The laugh that slips between Callum’s lip is disbelieving. “So, what the hell is he supposed to do in the meantime? Just wait and suffer?”</p><p>“I’ve referred Mr. Mitchell to a specialist who can be of more assistance in this situation than I can. I’m afraid there isn’t much more that we can do. We could provide some medication that might help with the tinnitus Ben's experiencing, but these medications are usually used to help treat anxiety and other mood disorders and given the circumstances, I don’t feel it’s wise to be putting him on these at this time.” She knows Ben isn’t listening if the glassy look in his eyes are anything to go by, so she keeps her attention on Callum for now. “I understand that this is a big change. It’s going to be a huge adjustment for all of you, and it isn’t going to be easy. But like I said, there are support groups available for this kind of thing.”</p><p>“I don’t want to go to any stupid support group,” Ben interrupts, dropping Callum’s hand and gesturing erratically with his own. “What am I supposed to do, huh? Sit around with a bunch of strangers for an hour a week where we all cry about our problems and then at the end, we all hold hands and break into song?”</p><p>“Ben-” Helena tries, but Ben’s getting to his feet and heading towards the door before she can stop him.</p><p>Callum follows suit but stops when he feels a hand on his arm. “At least take these,” the doctor is saying, handing him a few folded pamphlets. Ben isn’t going to read them, he already knows that, but he takes them anyway. “And take care of him. He’s going to need all the support he can get.”</p><p>He nods once and heads to the door, trying to catch up with Ben before he manages to get too far.</p><p>“Ben!” Callum calls out when he gets to reception and his boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. He locks eyes with the receptionist from earlier for a few seconds and she nods her head to a door near the back of the room. He nods his thanks and takes off in that direction.</p><p>It takes him a good few minutes before he finds Ben. He’s leaning against the railing that separates the hospital from the road, his hand curled tightly around the metal bars, head resting on his arms. He’s drawing in sharp breaths like he’s been running but Callum knows that isn’t the case. He’s panicking.</p><p>“Ben…” he trails off as he walks up to his boyfriend. He brushes his fingers down his arm, starting from his shoulder and ending at his wrist; since Ben had lost his hearing, it’d been his way of letting Ben know that it was him. He’d flinch when he didn’t expect a touch, but at least this way he’d know it was Callum.</p><p>When Ben looks at him, Callum wonders if it’s physically possible for a human to feel their heart break. Ben’s eyes are red like he’s been trying to force himself not to cry, and his chin is trembling. Callum doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to say, or how to begin to approach this situation. So, he does the only thing he can think of. He winds his arms around Ben’s shoulders and holds on.</p><p>They stay like that for a while, Ben’s face buried against his boyfriend’s neck. He knows Callum can feel the way his breath is shaking against his skin and can probably feel the way his arms are trembling around him too, but neither of them are prepared to let go yet. Ben feels safe here. And he lets himself have that.</p><p>“Thank you,” Ben finds himself saying once they finally pull apart from each other. Usually, Callum would chastise him for that. He would insist that Ben never had to thank him, that he doesn’t do it to be thanked, he does it because he loves him. But he doesn’t say anything this time. Callum knows that isn’t what he needs. Ben wonders for the umpteenth time that day if it’s possible for him to fall more in love with this man than he already is.</p><p>“I’m going to call us a taxi, I won’t be a minute.” Callum tells him, fishing his phone out of his pocket and taking a few steps away to make the phone call when his boyfriend nods at him.</p><p>Once Callum’s back is turned, Ben sighs and lets himself drop into one of the benches nearby. His hands are still shaking, and he can’t seem to stop his thoughts from racing, but he’s managed to remember how to breathe properly and his eyes aren’t burning with the effort it takes to bite back the tears. He’s still scared, even if he is trying his hardest not to show it.</p><p>He doesn’t flinch when he feels a hand run down the length of his arm. He knows who it is.</p><p>“What’s going through your head?” Callum asks. His hand is cold, and Ben instinctively takes it in his own, trying to warm it up.</p><p>“I don’t know.” He shakes his head, running his free hand across his face in the way he usually does when he’s stressed. “Everything is just… a lot right now.”</p><p>Callum nods in understanding and leans back against the bench. He’s careful not to slouch too much, wary of the strain it could put on his ribs. There’s silence between them for a minute or two until Ben finally breaks it, his voice trembling.</p><p>“What if I can never hear Lexi call me dad again? What if I can never hear my mum say she’s proud of me?” There’s silence for another beat, but it’s clear Ben isn’t finished. He turns to Callum. “What if I can never hear you tell me you love me again?”</p><p>Callum leans forward with enough eagerness to send a jolt of pain through him, but he ignores it in favour of squeezing Ben’s hand. </p><p>“Ben… Ben, look at me.” He waits until he does. “I need you to hear this, alright? There is nothing in this world that could make me stop loving you. I’ll find a million different ways to tell you that I love you if that’s what it takes. Whether you can hear it or not makes no difference to me. We will get through this, together.”</p><p>Ben wants to protest; he really <em>really </em>does. But before he has a chance to, Callum’s shutting him up with a kiss.</p><p>“No ifs,” another kiss. “Ands,” another kiss. “Or buts.”</p><p>Despite everything, Ben smiles. “I just don’t want to be a burden. Not to you, or anyone. You don’t deserve that.”</p><p>“You’re not a burden, Ben. You never could be a burden.”</p><p>“But I-”</p><p>“No buts,” Callum interrupts, pressing a finger against Ben’s lips to keep him quiet. “If the roles were reversed, If I were the one who’d lost his hearing, would I be a burden to you?”</p><p>Ben shakes his head, no. Nothing Callum could ever do would make him a burden.</p><p>“Exactly. So, what makes you think that you could ever be a burden to me?”</p><p>Ben opens his mouth to reply, but he hesitates. He knows Callum’s right. That the voice in the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like his dad telling him that he doesn’t deserve this kindness, that he doesn’t deserve <em>Callum, </em>is wrong. That it’s lying to him. And as hard as he’s trying to replace that voice with Callum telling him that he deserves good things, that he’s a good person, and he’s not the mistakes he’s made, not his father, sometimes it isn’t enough. But, <em>god, </em>he wishes it was.</p><p>“You are better than I deserve, d’you know that?” Ben leans in, cutting Callum off with a kiss of his own this time.</p><p>Callum’s pulling back much sooner than Ben had hoped, and he wants nothing more than to grab him by the neck and pull him in again so they can both get lost in the safety of each other, but his boyfriend’s pulling out his phone and holding it to his ear. The conversation is brief and Callum’s hanging up after a second.</p><p>“Taxi’s here,” he says, keeping hold of Ben’s hand and pulling him up to his feet next to him. “Let’s go home.”</p><p>He let’s Callum lead him to the taxi that’s waiting for them, teases him about being a gentleman when he holds the door open for him and feels lighter than he has all morning. Now he’s even more sure than ever, that with Callum by his side, everything will be alright.</p><p>Halfway home, he feels Callum’s hand on his own. Assuming he wants his attention, Ben turns his head so that he can read his lips but finds him still facing forwards, the corners of his lips quirked up into a small smile. He narrows his eyes, suspicious, but goes back to gazing out of the window, nonetheless.</p><p>It’s less than a minute later when Ben feels Callum turn his hand over so its laying palm-up on his leg. He traces a finger in a straight line along the skin there. It tickles, and Ben’s first instinct is to pull away, but he doesn’t.</p><p>“You alright?” He asks, thinking Callum must want his attention and he’s somehow read the whole situation wrong.</p><p>Callum nods once. “Just… concentrate. I’m trying something here,” he hums, facing forwards once more.</p><p>Ben feels him trace his index finger down in a straight line again. Callum stops for a second before his fingers moving again, tracing an ‘L’ shape this time. He follows that up with an ‘O’ and then a ‘V’ and Ben realises what he’s doing.</p><p>He’s writing on his palm, taking his time to trace each letter deliberately so that Ben can feel it properly.</p><p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p><p>Ben wants to cry. He wants to kiss Callum. He wants to kiss him and cry and tell the driver to stop so he can climb into Callum’s lap and show him exactly how much he loves him.</p><p>“Did you get that?” Callum asks, hopeful.</p><p>Ben nods. He doesn’t trust himself to speak without his voice breaking.</p><p>“Good. Like I said, I’ll find a million ways to tell you, we’ll call this number one.”</p><p>“I-” Ben stops, interrupted by the driver announcing their arrival. He lets out a small groan of frustration but gets out anyway.</p><p>Callum joins him a minute later, and Ben wastes no time in pressing him up against the nearest wall and kissing him breathless. It takes a second, but then Callum’s kissing him back and cupping his jaw and Ben’s never felt safer than he does here in his arms. He can’t tell if Callum’s moaning against his mouth or trying to say something, but he’s still kissing him so Ben can’t find it in himself to try and decipher what it is.</p><p>They’re both breathing hard when they pull away long enough to catch their breath, foreheads resting against one another’s. Their lips brush whenever one of them leans in too close, but neither of them want to be the first to move away.</p><p>Ben feels, rather than hears, Callum speaking, and he leans back just far enough to see his lips.</p><p>“Our flat is literally like ten steps away,” he’s saying, which makes Ben laugh and lean in to kiss him again.</p><p>“Are you telling me you’ve never wanted to get a little frisky in public?” Ben teases, biting at Callum’s bottom lip playfully. That does make Callum moan. He’s sure of it this time.</p><p>“Yes, but I also like not being arrested for public indecency.”</p><p>“That also wasn’t a no. Have you been thinking about getting frisky in public, babe?”</p><p>Callum rolls his eyes fondly and pushes himself up from the wall, walking the few steps to the front door of the flat. He waits until Ben follows, and he’s managed to unlock the door before he turns back to speak. “Are you forgetting that our first kiss was literally in a public park?”</p><p>He’s teasing, Ben knows that, but he can’t help the shiver that runs down his spine at the memories that brings back. He waits until the door’s closed behind them and they’re alone before kissing Callum again. It doesn’t take long for Ben’s mouth to end up on Callum’s neck and he knows they’re getting far too handsy considering that they’re in the middle of the hall but moving means taking his mouth away from his boyfriend and he can’t persuade himself to do that just yet.</p><p>Callum’s the one who moves them first. He hears a door slam somewhere next door in the funeral parlour and takes Ben by the hand, leading him up the stairs and into the bedroom.</p><p>-</p><p>It’s late when Callum wakes; there’s no light streaming in through the window like he expects, and the bed next to him is empty. He reaches his hand out, instinctively trying to reach for Ben to pull him closer, but the sheets under his skin are cold meaning he’s been gone for a while.</p><p>“Ben?” he calls out, voice hoarse. It takes a second for his brain to kick in and he remembers that even if Ben was next to him, he wouldn’t be able to hear him.</p><p>Callum groans when he sits up, his ribs sore and aching. He kicks his legs over the side of the bed and takes a moment to breathe through the pain. The bruises there are an ugly mix of purples, greens, and yellows. Ben still feels guilty about it, he knows he does. He can see the way guilt flashes across his face whenever he manages to lay his eyes on them; it only lasts for a second but Callum see’s it. He always does.</p><p>It doesn’t take much effort to grapple around blindly on the floor for his sweatpants, but when he tries to lift his arms to pull his hoodie over his head it sends a jolt of pain through his body. Callum groans and lets it drop back to the floor, opting instead to shrug on the dressing gown Ben keeps hanging on the back of the door. It’s easier, he thinks as he’s tying it loosely around his waist, not having to lift his arms over his head. Once he’s dressed, he lets himself out of the bedroom, letting the door shut behind him with a soft <em>click</em>.</p><p>Ben’s awake when he walks out. He’s wearing his glasses and alternating between staring blankly at his phone and the television. He’s wearing one of Callum’s old sweatshirts and the sight of him in it makes his heart beat a little faster in his chest.</p><p>Callum heads straight for the kitchen and gets himself a glass of water before he turns to the kitchen counter. His painkillers are there, several boxes of varying strengths designed to get him through the day. He hesitates, hand hovering over them as he tries to decide which strength to take.</p><p>He doesn’t hear Ben standing up from the couch and walking over to the counter until he feels his hand on his elbow, the contact making him jump.</p><p>“Here I thought I was the deaf one,” Ben jokes, eyes darting to where Callum’s hand is hesitating over his painkillers. “You’re hurting?”</p><p>“Just a little sore. It’s nothing really.” Callum settles for one of the weaker painkillers, deciding not to spend the rest of their evening drowsy and confused.</p><p>Ben frowns and leans up to press their lips together in a chaste kiss. “Is this because of earlier?”</p><p>“Earlier?”</p><p>“Yeah. The doctors at the hospital did specifically instruct you not to do any strenuous activity whilst your ribs heal. And what we did earlier was pretty strenuous.” Ben brings his hands up either side of the dressing gown and grips it.</p><p>Callum rolls his eyes fondly, his own hands coming to settle on Ben’s waist. “No, Ben, it’s not because of earlier. It’s because I have three broken ribs.”</p><p>“Yeah, but-”</p><p>“No but’s, Ben. This isn’t your fault, none of it. Not how they got broken, or why they hurt now. And even if they did hurt because of earlier… it was worth it,” Callum insists, watching as Ben’s frown twists into a coy smile.</p><p>Ben’s gaze drops to Callum’s chest and he nudges the edges of the dressing gown apart to inspect the damage on his skin. The guilt flashes across his face and he knows that Callum sees it, but he can’t hide much from him. It doesn’t matter how much his boyfriend insists that it wasn’t his fault, he’ll always carry the guilt of it. </p><p>He skims his fingertips across the bruises there, careful not to press too hard and hurt him, and ducks his head to press a kiss over his heart. Callum shivers under his touches, and Ben smirks as he pulls the dressing back together and leans away from him.</p><p>“Easy, tiger. I think I’ve worn you out enough for one day.”</p><p>“Never thought I’d see the day Ben Mitchell turns me down.”</p><p>Ben’s laughing as he heads back over to the sofa, gesturing for Callum to join him. He waits until he sits before turning to him, expression serious.</p><p>“So, I’ve been thinking. I found these in your jacket when I picked it up from the stairs.” He gestures to the pamphlets Callum had shoved in his pocket earlier that day just before Ben had ran out from the doctors office. They’re folded awkwardly and he’s pretty sure one of them is ripped, but that’s beside the point. “I’m not going to a support group, that’s just not who I am. I don’t think either of us can picture me sitting in a circle and talking about my feelings.”</p><p>Callum wants to protest, but he knows Ben’s right. And it wouldn’t be fair for him to ask him to do something that made him uncomfortable.</p><p>“But… if this is the life that I have now, if I am going to be like this for the foreseeable future, then I have to learn how to adapt.” Ben picks up one of the torn pamphlets and hands it to Callum. It’s the one about sign language, but Callum barely has a chance to glance at the cover before Ben’s speaking again. “They have classes. I’ve been thinking about going.”</p><p>Callum nods and puts the pamphlet back down on the table. He shifts so that he’s facing Ben; it’ll be easier for him to read his lips that way. “You don’t have to do this alone, you know?”  </p><p>“No, I know that. I’ve spent the afternoon doing research. They have family classes. I figured I’d talk to Lola about taking Lexi.” He hesitates, and Callum can tell he isn’t finished, so he waits. “And you too. If you want to come?”</p><p>“Of course I want to come, Ben. I meant everything I said this morning.” Callum takes his hands again and laces their fingers together. “I’m in this for the long haul, and just because you can’t hear now, it doesn’t matter to me. I said we’d figure this out together and I meant it.”</p><p>Ben squeezes Callum’s hands, trying to think of what to say. He could never have imagined when they first met, when they first kissed, that the two of them would end up like this. That Callum would become as essential to him as breathing. It terrifies him sometimes; how important Callum is to him. He shrugs the thoughts off quickly, trying to avoid them from spiralling any further. “And plus, think of all the things I could sign to you in public without anybody else knowing,” he hums, accompanying that with a wink.</p><p>Callum laughs, and Ben feels a pang in his chest. He wonders if he’ll ever get to hear the sound of his laugh again.</p><p>“I know a bit of sign,” Callum says. “I had this mate; she was in a car crash when she was young, lost both her parents and her hearing. She taught me some sign before she moved away. It was like it was our own secret language. I can’t remember a lot of it though, only bits and pieces. There’s one thing I do remember clearly though.”</p><p>He leans back so that Ben can watch him properly. He starts by pointing one finger at himself, then letting one hand rest over his heart, the other coming to rest atop it. He ends it by pointing at Ben.</p><p>“It means-”</p><p>“I love you,” Ben interrupts, catching Callum off guard. “I know.” He scratches the back of his head awkwardly. “It was the first thing I wanted to sign to you. Spent the afternoon practicing it.”</p><p>“And here I am stealing your thunder,” Callum groans, leaning back against the sofa and tilting his head back to face the ceiling.</p><p>“Callum,” Ben huffs. He rolls his eyes when his boyfriend ignores him and throws a leg over his lap so that he’s straddling him. He cups Callum’s cheeks and tilts his head down so that he’s looking at him. “Would you shut up already? You haven’t stolen anything.”</p><p>Ben leans in and kisses him, slow and sweet. He pulls away just as Callum’s starting to lean into it a little too much. He wants to do this before either of them can get carried away again. “Look at me,” he says, leaning back so that he’s sitting on his thighs.</p><p>He waits until Callum looks at him and mimics his signs from earlier, relishing in the grin that spreads across the other mans face. Callum signs it back at him and Ben feels his own grin spreading across his face - he doesn’t expect it to make his heart beat as fast as it does, but then again, he’s learned to never expect anything when it comes to Callum. He has a habit of surprising him.</p><p>Ben kisses him again. It’s more of a press of lips, though; they’re both smiling too much into it for it to be considered a proper kiss.  </p><p>“Two down,” Callum hums when they pull apart. “Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight left to go.”</p><p>Ben looks confused for a second, before he remembers. “A million ways to say I love you.”</p><p>“A million ways to say I love you,” Callum confirms, thumbs rubbing small circles into Ben’s hips.</p><p>They stay like that for a while, trading lazy kisses and letting themselves be lost in each other. They’ll have to go out and face the rest of the world eventually, Ben knows that. He’ll have to tell Jay and Lola and figure out what to do about Lexi. He’ll have to tell his mum and Ian and figure out how to deal with the rest of the square and the way they’ll look at him when they inevitably find out. But here, wrapped in the comfort and safety of Callum’s arms, he thinks that all might be okay. Here, with Callum by his side, he thinks he might just be able to take on the entire world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the most unrealistic thing about this fic is how quickly ben is seen by a doctor. that is all.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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